Love and Marshamallows.

Yesterday I was a bad mom. There is absolutely no denying it. It’s true.

I yelled.

I rolled my eyes.

I cried in front of my kids.

I scared my kids.

We have been cycling through some weird stuff lately… Busy-ness, growing pains (both physical and emotional), sickness, hurt feelings, and other “-ness’s” that fill up our lives and drive us to madness. In this madness, we tend to…

Yell.

Roll eyes.

Cry.

Scare our kids.

I am not proud, and I am only willing to share my moment of weakness because it is so far from the way I normally try to parent. I will readily admit that I am firm, but I am not a raging person by nature… I am actually pretty laid back. Normally, I am the parent that lets my kids jump on the bed and have picnics in the living room. I don’t mind spills because they can learn to clean up. This is the kind of parent I am. I say “yes” as much as I can, and when I must say “no”, it comes with a hug… Normally…

But yesterday, I raged. I raged over running in the house. I raged over not listening. I raged over whining from being over tired. I raged over water being splashed out of the bathtub. I raged; rage was my go to reaction last night.

So, as I try to overcome the enormous amounts of guilt I have from my actions last night and hope to genuinely learn from this so it doesn’t happen again, I guess all I can say is that I was able to teach my kids and myself something out of this…

I showed my children I make mistakes. Because I do. All the time.

I showed my children I can say I am sorry. Because I need to when my actions hurt someone.

I showed my children that no matter how much I apologize, my consequences don’t go away just because I am sorry; I still need to earn back their trust.

My kids showed me forgiveness, in the purest and most perfect forms.

My kids showed me that a hug can heal a wound cut by a loud voice.

My kids showed me, through their actions, that I am not always a raging bad mother, because they demonstrated what is normally taught in our home. They forgave and didn't look back and loved without question.

I also learned that your kids will almost immediately forgive you if you let them have a bowl of marshmallows with their dinner.

Despite my meanness and inexcusable behavior, my kids showed me love, tenderness, and forgiveness. The “ness’s” my life needs more of, especially on days like yesterday. There were a lot of tears last night from everyone, but when bed time came - sweet redeeming bedtime - , a story was still read, a song was still sung, “beans” was still whispered in each other’s ears, snuggles were still requested. Requested is the key there...

I think these days are had by all. Maybe I am wrong, but I don’t think I am. I don’t want to be the mom that yells, rolls her eyes, cries out of frustrations, and who has kids who are scared of her. I had a mom that raged often, and if adult Melissa could go back and help her young self to see her mother was just scared and lonely and stressed and doing her best, I think young Melissa would have tried harder to show her mom what my kids showed me last night. Anyhow, what I am trying to say is I think we can help each other by not pretending that this is something that only happens to “bad” moms. Bad moments happen – they don’t have to be bad days. And if the bad moments become days, weeks, or months, know you can turn around at any point. Seriously, eat a bowl of marshmallows with your kids and try not to laugh and giggle. Our children never need us to justify loving them, or even being human, but they do deserve to know we are trying our hardest to be everything they need, and most of what they want.

So, I have learned sorry, hugs, and marshmallows go a very, very long way in turning around a bad day. 

The End of My Writer's Block

I hate the news.  I know hate is a strong word and I should be informed and up to date on world happenings, but the doom and gloom is just too much for me. The only thing I hate more than news is blogs that try to pass themselves off as reliable sources of news.  The only thing I hate more than bloggers as experts is a good ‘ole opinionated Facebook brawl that results in defriending and cyber passive aggressiveness.

Blah. It makes me nauseated. And, FYI – I am fully aware of the irony regarding the fact that I am a blogger. I have wrestled with this for a year to the date; I have not posted anything since September 25, 2013… because I didn’t want to be an ignorant informer contributing to this growing divide based on opinions. So, to alleviate any concern or risk of anyone taking this too seriously, read this out loud: MELISSA NELMS IS NOT AN EXPERT! I write based on how I feel, perceive, and occasionally research.

The internet is full of information from people writing what they feel and perceive, just like me…  Stories about people helping or hating.  Politicians making decisions for constituents they are totally and completely out of touch with, then exempting themselves from the consequences of those decisions (can you tell I am not a fan of career politicians?). Countries and ideologies at war in effort to make peace or money. Millions are hungry, sick, or dying, with hundreds of thousands trying to save them. Police shooting people. People shooting police. Women angry at other women for simply feeding their kids differently; women unifying over unequal pay… For every thought, feeling, or emotion, the internet provides an outlet for those who are strongly opposed to or in support of it. Either way the pendulum swings, however, the similarity all these writings on the internet have is they often create an “us” vs “them” mentality that is dangerous and quickly crippling our society.

This “us” vs “them” is why I can’t read the news. Sometimes, I feel like and “us” and sometimes I feel like a “them”, but something I rarely feel when reading the news is connected to the people I share a planet with.

These arguments supporting “us” vs “them” can be anything from inflated emotions to thoroughly researched and proven theories. And they are all at our fingertips. A simple scroll of ANY news outlet or google search can yield and insurmountable amount of information to make just about anyone’s point.

I not simply talking about Fox News vs CNN. I am not that shallow. The internet is biased with conflicting information on EVERY SINGLE SUBJECT. As in, whatever cause you have, regardless of how just or ignorant, you can find support for it.  Hate black people?  You can find support on the internet.  Are you an uber feminist who thinks men should be executed for being born?  You are not alone in cyberspace. Think people should only have one kid? Heard of China?  Are you a selfish person who thinks everyone owes you something?  I am sure you can find someone on the internet who agrees with you…  No matter which political side you lean, faith you adhere to, or language you speak, each “side” has its outlet and sources. Each “side” has it’s nutjobs that tout their propaganda like fact and hope enough people will be outraged to “prove their point.”  It is all at our fingertips, making us ignorantly educated and indoctrinated – creating a stubborn and unyielding nature to those who may not see the world exactly as we do.  

We can take a number of issues from either side of any fence…  Gay marriage, healthcare, minimum wage, women’s rights, foreign policy, race relations… all these things are reported by various news outlets, bloggers, and wordy Tweets and Facebook posts with facts and figures that support that particular news outlet’s/person’s interests while the “other guy” is supposed to be wholly disproven by that one report or story.  For example (and example only – not looking to debate) for every article or story on “Ten Reasons to Raise The Minimum Wage” I assure you that  you can find at least one for “Ten Reasons Not To Raise The Minimum Wage”. Seriously. Go to Google. Type “Ten Reasons To Raise The Minimum Wage” – hit search. Several responses. Now, go back to the search bar and simply add the word “Not” between Reasons and To… Hit search again and voila! Proof that your previous search was wrong! Right? No?

Both have charts and facts from “experts” and both have the goal of getting you on their side.

Both are created with the sole purpose of changing your mind to theirs.

The problem with this type of information is that life – REAL LIFE – is rarely black and white. Creating “us” vs “them” presumes that there are only two sides to every story, and frankly, that is the biggest lie of politics, the media, and internet.

For example, I think raising the minimum wage to be a good idea, however I think doubling it is a terrible idea. See what I did there? I broke out of “us” vs “them”. I created a third category of people that neither agrees or disagrees entirely with one side. I think this is a good place to remind you that this is my opinion…  I am not an economist and I am certainly not trying to debate the flippin’ minimum wage issue. Just trying to point out the way the media makes us think there are only two sides.

Take it or leave it.

Us or them.

With us or against us.

And the truth is, human interaction is not really that way.

Us vs Them removes our power to think for ourselves. It allows others to make our choices, and attempts to absolve us of responsibility and reward.

In short, it’s really dumb.  

In whatever faith or belief system you hold true in your life, I hope you are, at the very least, led by a gut feeling of right and wrong. There are some basic things that we – all people - have a physical reaction to as being wrong. Usually something like hurting an innocent – be it child, animal, or someone who simply cannot defend themselves against whatever they are up against – we don’t like to see others hurt. I’d like to think that is where a lot of our emotionally charged hoop-la comes from. The bloggers blog about what they feel and think their agenda should be acknowledged at all costs. Reporters, who used to simply read news stories, now have political points to prove and politicians to support.  We divide ourselves even when we agree we don’t want to see others hurt… we divide ourselves, then presume a number of evils of the people that are not “us”.

So, put your phone down. Close your computer. Interact with real human people, and not just charged words with the intent of controlling your thoughts. Go out and interact and think with people. All people. Maybe that way, we can heal our homes and communities and make this world a better place not just for our children, but for us, too. Embrace our similarities. Respect that others have agency to think and believe differently from you. We don’t have to be enemies because we think or believe differently.

We all come from different backgrounds. We all have different expectations and contributions for this life that we share. We have all made mistakes. We have all tried to do good. Is there really so much to divide us?