Why I Left - My Exit From the Mormon Church

I’ve attempted many times to write this. Uncertain of how it will impact the hearts and minds of others. Actually worried, for a change, about what others will think of me. Trying hard to word my experiences in a way that won’t offend anyone. I’ve started and stopped. Copied and pasted parts and pieces of different written explanations into new documents, just to scrap it all after reading it roughly a hundred billion times… all the while, wishing I had something published. A banner to the world (re: my facebook friends list and anyone who chooses to follow my blog) about my experience and choice.

I decided to stop tip toeing. To just lay it out there with a preface that I love others. I love you even if you still follow the teachings of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I love you if you are critical of my choice.  I love you if you disagree with my belief in a deity all together. The simple fact is, if you have access to read this, it’s because I have loved you at some point. Being the non-fickle person I am, it’s likely I still love you.

I hope you will extend me the same courtesy. Because, believe it or not, you can love people and disagree with them.

Please believe I mean no ill intent, but I am also not going to bite my tongue. I go through phases of being highly critical of the church, and some of that may seep into this post. Honestly, I feel bamboozled, fooled, manipulated, and robbed by the church. I will explain all of that throughout, but the short if it is, I had doctrinal questions which led me to the conclusion that the church isn’t Christ’s one true church.  During this period of questioning, even before we concluded and chose to leave, we were treated very poorly by a portion of the members of the church, as well as local leadership. It was hurtful, hateful, and outright insulting. Again, I will explain throughout, but suffice it to say, I have every right to feel all the things I feel. Any attempts to shame me or otherwise argue or disrespect my sharing of this experience will not be tolerated.  I can love you, but I can also cut you out and off. I don’t want to do that, so respect that this is my forum. No one is forcing you to read this…

With all that, here we go.

I could, and can for anyone who wants to sit and chat with me about it, go into great detail about how my questions about life after death intensified when my dad died.  How being a knowledgeable member of the church led me to believe my dad, imperfectly perfect as he was, would be doomed to wander eternity alone because of his earthly imperfections; he was baptized as a member of the LDS church but was never temple worthy despite his striving to be so. For those reading who don’t know what “temple worth” means, we can talk about it, or you can find some LDS missionaries to answer your questions.

 I can describe m y heartache at learning that, despite being a “disavowed” earthly practice, polygamy is an eternal law of the gospel; that in the eternities I would be sharing Jason with many other “wives” whether I liked it or not. That in searching for WHY this is needed, I found shocking and sickening FACTS about the history of the church that disturbed me to my core.

And please, don’t get me started on how I was chastised for attempting to serve a sister who had just had a baby, then was denied service when I had a baby of my own in the name of “self-reliance.” And how this concept of self-reliance yields the complete and utter absence of Jesus as more than a mere buzzword in the church.  

You may already know about the sexism that exists. That woman at LDS colleges can be raped with no consequences for their rapist. That girls are told from the age of the three that “mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children.” That through the young women’s organization, girls age 12-18 are encouraged to fanaticize about little more than a handsome return missionary to marry them and complete their eternal destiny as a wife a mom. Don’t get me wrong, I love being a wife and mom. But it would have been nice to be encouraged to work more. To attain more education. To travel. Explore. Make a mark on the world that didn’t involve my husband or children. To know that God wanted me to do more than be a wife and mom. I want more for my kids that the bonds of gender roles.

Also, tithing. If there is one way to tell what an organization is all about, follow their money.

Details are maddening; when I’ve written this over and over, it gets long and complicated. Full of details that, If the reader is a believer, they shake their head and say, “that’s not right.” And if the reader is a non-believer, details are confusing because the legalistic nature of the church makes people wonder “what?” a lot.

I won’t argue someone’s “steadfast and immoveable” testimony. But, what I will say is this. I attended church, read, prayed, counseled, and shared what I thought I knew to be true in a constant effort to make the church true for nearly two years.  I wanted it to be true. Because honestly, having all the answers about life was easier. It was so nice to have a rulebook to live by that mapped out my responses to choices and opportunities. I wanted all of it to be true. Badly. But my desire and research left me wanting. And after all the research and hope, I came to one simple conclusion –

It’s not true. It’s made up. All based on the hopeful lies of a 14 year old boy. And no amount of hope or obedience can make it true.

If that statement hurts your heart, I apologize, but it is a truth I had to swallow. It has changed my life. Some parts are easier, some harder, but ALL of my life is better. I still believe in a loving God. In a Savior to reconcile my sins to Him. That there is good and bad in the world, and because of Jesus, we can tell the difference. I can tell you I am happier. More fulfilled. Closer to my husband, children, and family.

People who identify as LDS likely can’t read this without finding some faulty nature in my character. They will think I am trading true joy for momentary satisfaction. That this choice could not possibly bring me happiness. That my faith wasn’t strong enough. I wanted to sin. I was tempted. They need to tell themselves that; it’s part of the cult mentality. It has to be my fault that I left, because it couldn’t possibly be because the church isn’t true.

But again, I say, after my prayerful research, it’s not true.

Our exit has been easy compared to that of others. A little harassment, attempts at character assassination, and a little gossip… lot of lost acquaintances. Honestly, it feels like a small price to pay for the freedom and happiness we feel now. For the hope I have for my kids. For the brotherhood I feel with mankind. I am happier. Because we respect many people still in the church, we opted to remove our names from the roles.  

Again, I am willing to sit down with anyone who wants to talk about it. You can have water while I have coffee. It’s no big deal! We can still be friends.  I am ok with my choice, and I hope you can be, too.

Love and Marshamallows.

Yesterday I was a bad mom. There is absolutely no denying it. It’s true.

I yelled.

I rolled my eyes.

I cried in front of my kids.

I scared my kids.

We have been cycling through some weird stuff lately… Busy-ness, growing pains (both physical and emotional), sickness, hurt feelings, and other “-ness’s” that fill up our lives and drive us to madness. In this madness, we tend to…

Yell.

Roll eyes.

Cry.

Scare our kids.

I am not proud, and I am only willing to share my moment of weakness because it is so far from the way I normally try to parent. I will readily admit that I am firm, but I am not a raging person by nature… I am actually pretty laid back. Normally, I am the parent that lets my kids jump on the bed and have picnics in the living room. I don’t mind spills because they can learn to clean up. This is the kind of parent I am. I say “yes” as much as I can, and when I must say “no”, it comes with a hug… Normally…

But yesterday, I raged. I raged over running in the house. I raged over not listening. I raged over whining from being over tired. I raged over water being splashed out of the bathtub. I raged; rage was my go to reaction last night.

So, as I try to overcome the enormous amounts of guilt I have from my actions last night and hope to genuinely learn from this so it doesn’t happen again, I guess all I can say is that I was able to teach my kids and myself something out of this…

I showed my children I make mistakes. Because I do. All the time.

I showed my children I can say I am sorry. Because I need to when my actions hurt someone.

I showed my children that no matter how much I apologize, my consequences don’t go away just because I am sorry; I still need to earn back their trust.

My kids showed me forgiveness, in the purest and most perfect forms.

My kids showed me that a hug can heal a wound cut by a loud voice.

My kids showed me, through their actions, that I am not always a raging bad mother, because they demonstrated what is normally taught in our home. They forgave and didn't look back and loved without question.

I also learned that your kids will almost immediately forgive you if you let them have a bowl of marshmallows with their dinner.

Despite my meanness and inexcusable behavior, my kids showed me love, tenderness, and forgiveness. The “ness’s” my life needs more of, especially on days like yesterday. There were a lot of tears last night from everyone, but when bed time came - sweet redeeming bedtime - , a story was still read, a song was still sung, “beans” was still whispered in each other’s ears, snuggles were still requested. Requested is the key there...

I think these days are had by all. Maybe I am wrong, but I don’t think I am. I don’t want to be the mom that yells, rolls her eyes, cries out of frustrations, and who has kids who are scared of her. I had a mom that raged often, and if adult Melissa could go back and help her young self to see her mother was just scared and lonely and stressed and doing her best, I think young Melissa would have tried harder to show her mom what my kids showed me last night. Anyhow, what I am trying to say is I think we can help each other by not pretending that this is something that only happens to “bad” moms. Bad moments happen – they don’t have to be bad days. And if the bad moments become days, weeks, or months, know you can turn around at any point. Seriously, eat a bowl of marshmallows with your kids and try not to laugh and giggle. Our children never need us to justify loving them, or even being human, but they do deserve to know we are trying our hardest to be everything they need, and most of what they want.

So, I have learned sorry, hugs, and marshmallows go a very, very long way in turning around a bad day. 

The End of My Writer's Block

I hate the news.  I know hate is a strong word and I should be informed and up to date on world happenings, but the doom and gloom is just too much for me. The only thing I hate more than news is blogs that try to pass themselves off as reliable sources of news.  The only thing I hate more than bloggers as experts is a good ‘ole opinionated Facebook brawl that results in defriending and cyber passive aggressiveness.

Blah. It makes me nauseated. And, FYI – I am fully aware of the irony regarding the fact that I am a blogger. I have wrestled with this for a year to the date; I have not posted anything since September 25, 2013… because I didn’t want to be an ignorant informer contributing to this growing divide based on opinions. So, to alleviate any concern or risk of anyone taking this too seriously, read this out loud: MELISSA NELMS IS NOT AN EXPERT! I write based on how I feel, perceive, and occasionally research.

The internet is full of information from people writing what they feel and perceive, just like me…  Stories about people helping or hating.  Politicians making decisions for constituents they are totally and completely out of touch with, then exempting themselves from the consequences of those decisions (can you tell I am not a fan of career politicians?). Countries and ideologies at war in effort to make peace or money. Millions are hungry, sick, or dying, with hundreds of thousands trying to save them. Police shooting people. People shooting police. Women angry at other women for simply feeding their kids differently; women unifying over unequal pay… For every thought, feeling, or emotion, the internet provides an outlet for those who are strongly opposed to or in support of it. Either way the pendulum swings, however, the similarity all these writings on the internet have is they often create an “us” vs “them” mentality that is dangerous and quickly crippling our society.

This “us” vs “them” is why I can’t read the news. Sometimes, I feel like and “us” and sometimes I feel like a “them”, but something I rarely feel when reading the news is connected to the people I share a planet with.

These arguments supporting “us” vs “them” can be anything from inflated emotions to thoroughly researched and proven theories. And they are all at our fingertips. A simple scroll of ANY news outlet or google search can yield and insurmountable amount of information to make just about anyone’s point.

I not simply talking about Fox News vs CNN. I am not that shallow. The internet is biased with conflicting information on EVERY SINGLE SUBJECT. As in, whatever cause you have, regardless of how just or ignorant, you can find support for it.  Hate black people?  You can find support on the internet.  Are you an uber feminist who thinks men should be executed for being born?  You are not alone in cyberspace. Think people should only have one kid? Heard of China?  Are you a selfish person who thinks everyone owes you something?  I am sure you can find someone on the internet who agrees with you…  No matter which political side you lean, faith you adhere to, or language you speak, each “side” has its outlet and sources. Each “side” has it’s nutjobs that tout their propaganda like fact and hope enough people will be outraged to “prove their point.”  It is all at our fingertips, making us ignorantly educated and indoctrinated – creating a stubborn and unyielding nature to those who may not see the world exactly as we do.  

We can take a number of issues from either side of any fence…  Gay marriage, healthcare, minimum wage, women’s rights, foreign policy, race relations… all these things are reported by various news outlets, bloggers, and wordy Tweets and Facebook posts with facts and figures that support that particular news outlet’s/person’s interests while the “other guy” is supposed to be wholly disproven by that one report or story.  For example (and example only – not looking to debate) for every article or story on “Ten Reasons to Raise The Minimum Wage” I assure you that  you can find at least one for “Ten Reasons Not To Raise The Minimum Wage”. Seriously. Go to Google. Type “Ten Reasons To Raise The Minimum Wage” – hit search. Several responses. Now, go back to the search bar and simply add the word “Not” between Reasons and To… Hit search again and voila! Proof that your previous search was wrong! Right? No?

Both have charts and facts from “experts” and both have the goal of getting you on their side.

Both are created with the sole purpose of changing your mind to theirs.

The problem with this type of information is that life – REAL LIFE – is rarely black and white. Creating “us” vs “them” presumes that there are only two sides to every story, and frankly, that is the biggest lie of politics, the media, and internet.

For example, I think raising the minimum wage to be a good idea, however I think doubling it is a terrible idea. See what I did there? I broke out of “us” vs “them”. I created a third category of people that neither agrees or disagrees entirely with one side. I think this is a good place to remind you that this is my opinion…  I am not an economist and I am certainly not trying to debate the flippin’ minimum wage issue. Just trying to point out the way the media makes us think there are only two sides.

Take it or leave it.

Us or them.

With us or against us.

And the truth is, human interaction is not really that way.

Us vs Them removes our power to think for ourselves. It allows others to make our choices, and attempts to absolve us of responsibility and reward.

In short, it’s really dumb.  

In whatever faith or belief system you hold true in your life, I hope you are, at the very least, led by a gut feeling of right and wrong. There are some basic things that we – all people - have a physical reaction to as being wrong. Usually something like hurting an innocent – be it child, animal, or someone who simply cannot defend themselves against whatever they are up against – we don’t like to see others hurt. I’d like to think that is where a lot of our emotionally charged hoop-la comes from. The bloggers blog about what they feel and think their agenda should be acknowledged at all costs. Reporters, who used to simply read news stories, now have political points to prove and politicians to support.  We divide ourselves even when we agree we don’t want to see others hurt… we divide ourselves, then presume a number of evils of the people that are not “us”.

So, put your phone down. Close your computer. Interact with real human people, and not just charged words with the intent of controlling your thoughts. Go out and interact and think with people. All people. Maybe that way, we can heal our homes and communities and make this world a better place not just for our children, but for us, too. Embrace our similarities. Respect that others have agency to think and believe differently from you. We don’t have to be enemies because we think or believe differently.

We all come from different backgrounds. We all have different expectations and contributions for this life that we share. We have all made mistakes. We have all tried to do good. Is there really so much to divide us?

Insomnia Strikes Again

Insomnia strikes again.

Adaline woke up for a drink of water 45 minutes ago and now the little boy baby in my gut won’t stop moving enough for me to fall back asleep. Oh, and I can’t stop my mind from going over absolutely EVERYTHING. It makes me think of that movie with Sarah Jessica Parker where she is a working mom and talks about how instead of sleeping, mom’s make “The List” - Everything that everyone needs placed in a hierarchy order to determine what all you should be doing instead of sleeping because most moms have more to do in a 24 hour period than there are actual hours so why on earth would you think about sleeping?!?!?!

Yeah, so I’m blogging instead.  Makes sense to me.

Perhaps it is the list, or reflection on yesterday, keeping me awake. I don’t want to repeat yesterday. I was telling Jason last night that I feel like I was being chastised by the Lord but I am not sure why. Maybe I was just due or I’ll figure it out with some prayer and time. Anyhow, yesterday was a day that reminded me that not only am I human, but I am a normal human. I normally love basking in the knowledge that I am awesome, so the humility is hard for me sometimes, and when the Lord wants me to have a big ‘ole dose of it, it feels like a ton of bricks crashing down on me. I really don’t like it at all, but I guess that is why I got it…

The day started with my sick child not sleeping more than three consecutive hours for the last two nights. So, I was already tired when she woke up for the 3754635^th time. Hand, foot, and mouth is the worst illness to hit our home. This stuff beats teething, diaper rash, and weaning from night nursing. My sweet girl drinks through the night usually, but since the sores in her mouth prevent her from using a sippy cup, she is reduced to water through a straw. Inconveniently, she cannot keep a cup of water with a straw in her bed, so every time her little ulcerated and blistered mouth get parched, someone has to go to her in her upset state and help her get a drink. Then she gets even more upset that we don’t want to sleep in the bed with her. And, yesterday, she decided that 4 a.m. was her wake up time, and this mama was not having it. I sang, rocked, and gentle mothered her to the best of my ability to try to get her back to sleep for over an hour. She, on the other hand, screamed until 6:30. Not cried mind you, just screamed non-stop like we were killing her.

So, I did what any mother would do. I sobbed. Took a shower once she passed out from screaming. Questioned motherhood all together. Then made quinoa for breakfast.

She had screamed so thoroughly all morning that her throat hurt her too bad to talk yesterday.  I felt like my toddler was giving me the silent treatment. She also refused all food and drink except for a few slices of cheese at dinner, so her attitude was just peachy all day. She also finally drank some water around 9 p.m. She would cuddle me, get mad for some unknown reason, then go play alone, then come back and want to cuddle.

We were just totally out of sync with each other all day. Mostly from being tired.

Tired from lack of sleep.

Tired of her being sick.

Tired of being stuck in the house because she is sick.

Just tired.

Usually we do fun things like play sidewalk chalk on the patio or ride her bike up and down the street if we are at home all day, but she wasn’t interested in any of that. We will play in her room or read books, but that wasn’t working either. She would normally watch some cartoons while we snuggle… these are things that did not happen yesterday. Our routine was absent and in its place were a shell of a mommy and a toddler that was in need and couldn’t communicate specifics.

See? Humility delivered. I cried several times yesterday at the thought of how inadequate I am. I cried because I feel like my little girl deserves mommy that can do everything. I cried because my best was not good enough for her.

For the last several weeks, we have had the focus of our Family Home Evening be the nine principles that make up happiness in family life. The LDS church circulates a magazine called The Ensign every month and there was an article on these principles in June. There is also a website that lists these principles with supporting quotes and thoughts here.

This week, we went over Respect. President Thomas S. Monson has said in regard to respect in the home and for the family:

“Happiness abounds when there is genuine respect one for another. Wives draw closer to their husbands, and husbands are more appreciative of their wives, and children are happy, as children are meant to be.”

In all my efforts for happiness yesterday with my daughter, I am afraid I forgot to respect her as my spirit sibling. Without respect, neither she nor I could be happy. I was short – because I was tired. I was frustrated – because I was tired. I was irritable – because I was tired. Truthfully, had I been my sweet girl yesterday, I wouldn’t have wanted to talk to me either.  Jason even came home from work early to help curb my bad day. I had a bad day because sometimes, days just aren’t blissfully perfect… Those days, coupled with a  general lack of respect = a very unhappy child and a very unhappy mommy.

There is also a quick talk by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland here. I have looked at this before and thought, “How does an old guy get motherhood so well?” Anyhow, he basically addresses that motherhood is hard. Who knew, right? For those who have not yet had the privilege, it can be really hard. But, I am reminded in this talk, that, in being a mother, I am most assuredly not alone. I have the support of angels, my Heavenly Parents, my husband, and I get to reap the blessings of being able to witness Adaline discovering who she is meant to be. Additionally, I personally get to become whoever I am supposed to be because I have been given so much opportunity to learn and grow in this capacity.

So, as I put together the wretched day that was my Tuesday, with what my family has been working towards, I am reminded that my humanity in parenting makes me susceptible to the adversary. I have never felt like a world class mom, and I think he knows that. Unfortunately, on days like yesterday, I am too tired to fight, and he eats away at my resolve to be the best I can be despite my shortcomings.

To fight through eyes burning from exhaustion and tears and smile at her.

To fight through selfishness and give a hug even when she pinches.

To fight through knowing I have a million things to do and relish in the sick time cuddles instead of being annoyed that she isn’t napping on schedule.

To fight through my own lack of creativity and make my home a playground since in her diseased state we can’t currently go to one.

Simply fight to keep the adversary out of my home and away from my child.

Yesterday is an example of what my life is like if I let the adversary win, and I HATED it.  Which is sad for a whole slew of reasons. But, today, at 3:30 in the morning, I have woken with a new resolve to be better for myself, my family, and my community. To remember that humility simply means remembering that I am not expected to do any of this hard parenting stuff alone. To use the people, resources, agency, and support I have been blessed with rather than build my pride by being the “best mom” with no help.

Wanna know who the “Best Mom” is? The mom who loves her children even when they are naughty, the house is dirty, the mom herself is dirty, the food is not home cooked, and the time to serve is minimal. The “Best Mom” is the mom who tries her hardest despite failures. The “Best Mom” is the one who loves her child to the best of her ability, but recognizes we all need a break, help, and a Diet Coke every now and then. The one who does the best she can and doesn’t feel like a failure because of it. Congrats moms of the world – if you are doing the best you can, day in and day out, you win!

I have no intention of repeating Tuesday, September 24, 2013, but I have every intention of remembering it so I can continually learn from it. So I can grow. It was a refiner’s fire and I have been humbled by the power of love, the Lord, and a toddler.

The last thing I want to do is share some stuff about Adaline. I saved this for last because frankly, it is more for her than you, so you don’t have to read it if you don’t want. I write a lot about how much I love my husband and how much he means to me. Several people have heard me say blunt things about Adaline’s behavior. And, someone has questioned how I can be so gushy about Jason and so blunt about Adaline…  I genuinely understand their confusion. We live in a world that requires parents to place their kids on a pedestal; to worship them as close to perfect, as they color on walls, pee on the floor, and slowly learn that hitting is not nice. I am realistic about my child, and for some folks, it can be a little shocking to hear me sound heartless. Sometimes I call her behavior bad because it is. When she runs wild and gets hurt despite my warnings to be careful or watch where she is going, I don’t pick her up and sooth her tears, but rather make sure she isn’t bleeding then explain she got hurt because she wasn’t listening.  The gentle parent in me is an honest one, and she responds to it. These are all things I love about her. Love has become such a cliché word that I hate to use it, but these are the things that make her who she is. These are the things that I wouldn’t change if I could – even if it meant a more peaceful home or better night’s sleep…

She is feisty, energetic, and charismatic. Those are the best words for her right now. She is persistent, stubborn, and thorough. She has genuine concern for those around her – she wipes tears and gives hugs when someone looks sad. She loves animals (a little too aggressively sometimes). She is fast and athletic, combined with a daredevil attitude. She will try anything at least once. She, like her dad, is a little girl who uses words when she really means business about something. She has a hot temper – like, liquid lava hot. Her laugh is the sound that reminds me that there is beauty all around in this world. She is honest to a fault and ticklish to no end. She is exciting and fun. Creativity is easy for her.  Sitting still might come in time… it also might not. She makes the same face as her dad when she is figuring

something out and concentrating. She is not a picky eater. She focuses in a way that I haven’t seen a lot of toddlers do. Independence is something that she loves and hates all at the same time – she loves to do things on her own and hates when she can’t.  She loves to scare people by hiding and then popping out and going “RAWR!!!” She also loves to make people laugh and is figuring out how to do that a little better each day. She loves to cook and clean (kinda like her mama…) and wears and apron when she does it. She likes to yell “GO” anytime we are at a stoplight and it is the funniest thing in the world to me. She also dances like a maniac in the car. She rocks her baby dolls to sleep and then puts them in her bed under the covers, then goes “SHHH! Baby’s sleeping”. She loves swings and slides and long walks. She says “HI” to every person she sees while on outings and will give them a smile that can change their world if they say “HI” back. She grunts “RUN” while she runs, “THROW” when she throws, and likes to put rocks and sticks in her pockets. She squints when she prays…

There are a million things I love about her and would never change. I am grateful for her. I am grateful, not just the chance to be a mom, but the chance to be her mom. She is a child I earned and don’t want to break. She is difficult in the best ways possible. I cannot wait to see the woman she becomes and the lives she will change. She has already changed mine for the better even with a bad Tuesday.

Here is to a better Wednesday.