Insomnia Strikes Again

Insomnia strikes again.

Adaline woke up for a drink of water 45 minutes ago and now the little boy baby in my gut won’t stop moving enough for me to fall back asleep. Oh, and I can’t stop my mind from going over absolutely EVERYTHING. It makes me think of that movie with Sarah Jessica Parker where she is a working mom and talks about how instead of sleeping, mom’s make “The List” - Everything that everyone needs placed in a hierarchy order to determine what all you should be doing instead of sleeping because most moms have more to do in a 24 hour period than there are actual hours so why on earth would you think about sleeping?!?!?!

Yeah, so I’m blogging instead.  Makes sense to me.

Perhaps it is the list, or reflection on yesterday, keeping me awake. I don’t want to repeat yesterday. I was telling Jason last night that I feel like I was being chastised by the Lord but I am not sure why. Maybe I was just due or I’ll figure it out with some prayer and time. Anyhow, yesterday was a day that reminded me that not only am I human, but I am a normal human. I normally love basking in the knowledge that I am awesome, so the humility is hard for me sometimes, and when the Lord wants me to have a big ‘ole dose of it, it feels like a ton of bricks crashing down on me. I really don’t like it at all, but I guess that is why I got it…

The day started with my sick child not sleeping more than three consecutive hours for the last two nights. So, I was already tired when she woke up for the 3754635^th time. Hand, foot, and mouth is the worst illness to hit our home. This stuff beats teething, diaper rash, and weaning from night nursing. My sweet girl drinks through the night usually, but since the sores in her mouth prevent her from using a sippy cup, she is reduced to water through a straw. Inconveniently, she cannot keep a cup of water with a straw in her bed, so every time her little ulcerated and blistered mouth get parched, someone has to go to her in her upset state and help her get a drink. Then she gets even more upset that we don’t want to sleep in the bed with her. And, yesterday, she decided that 4 a.m. was her wake up time, and this mama was not having it. I sang, rocked, and gentle mothered her to the best of my ability to try to get her back to sleep for over an hour. She, on the other hand, screamed until 6:30. Not cried mind you, just screamed non-stop like we were killing her.

So, I did what any mother would do. I sobbed. Took a shower once she passed out from screaming. Questioned motherhood all together. Then made quinoa for breakfast.

She had screamed so thoroughly all morning that her throat hurt her too bad to talk yesterday.  I felt like my toddler was giving me the silent treatment. She also refused all food and drink except for a few slices of cheese at dinner, so her attitude was just peachy all day. She also finally drank some water around 9 p.m. She would cuddle me, get mad for some unknown reason, then go play alone, then come back and want to cuddle.

We were just totally out of sync with each other all day. Mostly from being tired.

Tired from lack of sleep.

Tired of her being sick.

Tired of being stuck in the house because she is sick.

Just tired.

Usually we do fun things like play sidewalk chalk on the patio or ride her bike up and down the street if we are at home all day, but she wasn’t interested in any of that. We will play in her room or read books, but that wasn’t working either. She would normally watch some cartoons while we snuggle… these are things that did not happen yesterday. Our routine was absent and in its place were a shell of a mommy and a toddler that was in need and couldn’t communicate specifics.

See? Humility delivered. I cried several times yesterday at the thought of how inadequate I am. I cried because I feel like my little girl deserves mommy that can do everything. I cried because my best was not good enough for her.

For the last several weeks, we have had the focus of our Family Home Evening be the nine principles that make up happiness in family life. The LDS church circulates a magazine called The Ensign every month and there was an article on these principles in June. There is also a website that lists these principles with supporting quotes and thoughts here.

This week, we went over Respect. President Thomas S. Monson has said in regard to respect in the home and for the family:

“Happiness abounds when there is genuine respect one for another. Wives draw closer to their husbands, and husbands are more appreciative of their wives, and children are happy, as children are meant to be.”

In all my efforts for happiness yesterday with my daughter, I am afraid I forgot to respect her as my spirit sibling. Without respect, neither she nor I could be happy. I was short – because I was tired. I was frustrated – because I was tired. I was irritable – because I was tired. Truthfully, had I been my sweet girl yesterday, I wouldn’t have wanted to talk to me either.  Jason even came home from work early to help curb my bad day. I had a bad day because sometimes, days just aren’t blissfully perfect… Those days, coupled with a  general lack of respect = a very unhappy child and a very unhappy mommy.

There is also a quick talk by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland here. I have looked at this before and thought, “How does an old guy get motherhood so well?” Anyhow, he basically addresses that motherhood is hard. Who knew, right? For those who have not yet had the privilege, it can be really hard. But, I am reminded in this talk, that, in being a mother, I am most assuredly not alone. I have the support of angels, my Heavenly Parents, my husband, and I get to reap the blessings of being able to witness Adaline discovering who she is meant to be. Additionally, I personally get to become whoever I am supposed to be because I have been given so much opportunity to learn and grow in this capacity.

So, as I put together the wretched day that was my Tuesday, with what my family has been working towards, I am reminded that my humanity in parenting makes me susceptible to the adversary. I have never felt like a world class mom, and I think he knows that. Unfortunately, on days like yesterday, I am too tired to fight, and he eats away at my resolve to be the best I can be despite my shortcomings.

To fight through eyes burning from exhaustion and tears and smile at her.

To fight through selfishness and give a hug even when she pinches.

To fight through knowing I have a million things to do and relish in the sick time cuddles instead of being annoyed that she isn’t napping on schedule.

To fight through my own lack of creativity and make my home a playground since in her diseased state we can’t currently go to one.

Simply fight to keep the adversary out of my home and away from my child.

Yesterday is an example of what my life is like if I let the adversary win, and I HATED it.  Which is sad for a whole slew of reasons. But, today, at 3:30 in the morning, I have woken with a new resolve to be better for myself, my family, and my community. To remember that humility simply means remembering that I am not expected to do any of this hard parenting stuff alone. To use the people, resources, agency, and support I have been blessed with rather than build my pride by being the “best mom” with no help.

Wanna know who the “Best Mom” is? The mom who loves her children even when they are naughty, the house is dirty, the mom herself is dirty, the food is not home cooked, and the time to serve is minimal. The “Best Mom” is the mom who tries her hardest despite failures. The “Best Mom” is the one who loves her child to the best of her ability, but recognizes we all need a break, help, and a Diet Coke every now and then. The one who does the best she can and doesn’t feel like a failure because of it. Congrats moms of the world – if you are doing the best you can, day in and day out, you win!

I have no intention of repeating Tuesday, September 24, 2013, but I have every intention of remembering it so I can continually learn from it. So I can grow. It was a refiner’s fire and I have been humbled by the power of love, the Lord, and a toddler.

The last thing I want to do is share some stuff about Adaline. I saved this for last because frankly, it is more for her than you, so you don’t have to read it if you don’t want. I write a lot about how much I love my husband and how much he means to me. Several people have heard me say blunt things about Adaline’s behavior. And, someone has questioned how I can be so gushy about Jason and so blunt about Adaline…  I genuinely understand their confusion. We live in a world that requires parents to place their kids on a pedestal; to worship them as close to perfect, as they color on walls, pee on the floor, and slowly learn that hitting is not nice. I am realistic about my child, and for some folks, it can be a little shocking to hear me sound heartless. Sometimes I call her behavior bad because it is. When she runs wild and gets hurt despite my warnings to be careful or watch where she is going, I don’t pick her up and sooth her tears, but rather make sure she isn’t bleeding then explain she got hurt because she wasn’t listening.  The gentle parent in me is an honest one, and she responds to it. These are all things I love about her. Love has become such a cliché word that I hate to use it, but these are the things that make her who she is. These are the things that I wouldn’t change if I could – even if it meant a more peaceful home or better night’s sleep…

She is feisty, energetic, and charismatic. Those are the best words for her right now. She is persistent, stubborn, and thorough. She has genuine concern for those around her – she wipes tears and gives hugs when someone looks sad. She loves animals (a little too aggressively sometimes). She is fast and athletic, combined with a daredevil attitude. She will try anything at least once. She, like her dad, is a little girl who uses words when she really means business about something. She has a hot temper – like, liquid lava hot. Her laugh is the sound that reminds me that there is beauty all around in this world. She is honest to a fault and ticklish to no end. She is exciting and fun. Creativity is easy for her.  Sitting still might come in time… it also might not. She makes the same face as her dad when she is figuring

something out and concentrating. She is not a picky eater. She focuses in a way that I haven’t seen a lot of toddlers do. Independence is something that she loves and hates all at the same time – she loves to do things on her own and hates when she can’t.  She loves to scare people by hiding and then popping out and going “RAWR!!!” She also loves to make people laugh and is figuring out how to do that a little better each day. She loves to cook and clean (kinda like her mama…) and wears and apron when she does it. She likes to yell “GO” anytime we are at a stoplight and it is the funniest thing in the world to me. She also dances like a maniac in the car. She rocks her baby dolls to sleep and then puts them in her bed under the covers, then goes “SHHH! Baby’s sleeping”. She loves swings and slides and long walks. She says “HI” to every person she sees while on outings and will give them a smile that can change their world if they say “HI” back. She grunts “RUN” while she runs, “THROW” when she throws, and likes to put rocks and sticks in her pockets. She squints when she prays…

There are a million things I love about her and would never change. I am grateful for her. I am grateful, not just the chance to be a mom, but the chance to be her mom. She is a child I earned and don’t want to break. She is difficult in the best ways possible. I cannot wait to see the woman she becomes and the lives she will change. She has already changed mine for the better even with a bad Tuesday.

Here is to a better Wednesday.