My Feet

I’m a working mom. That is no secret. I have written a post about working, and how much I have always liked it last summer when Jason and I decided that I would be a stay at home mom. About six weeks after I wrote that post, I received an amazing job offer. After prayer and heavy consideration, I went back to work.

I want to start with why I went back to work after having such a strong spiritual confirmation that I needed to stay home. I went back to work for four very distinct reasons:

1.       Money. We had just purchased our first home and student loans don’t pay themselves.

2.       I, like many women, have never felt like a good mom. I have good days and bad, but overall, as much as I love my Adaline, I felt like I was failing her. In choosing to go back to work, I rationalized that Adaline would have better care than I could provide her. I am not throwing a pity party. I love my daughter like no one else ever will. But, I am not always patient or creative or “mommish” if that is understandable…

3.       My husband. He works really hard and was talking about taking on more jobs so we could pay our loans off and maybe buy a larger car when I received this offer. By me working, Jason gets to be a husband and father, in addition to being a provider. I don’t know that I could sleep at night knowing he wasn't getting to be “in the picture” as much as he wanted because I passed up a job offer. He is a really hands-on and present dad.  I am his help-meet, not just his companion.

4.       When I prayed to know what to do, I was given peace in the idea that work was right. I don’t question that.

So, I took a job working for the State. I help schools implement healthier breakfast and lunch menus. I like my job. I use my education. My co-workers are fabulous – all of them. Truthfully, I have not loved a job like this since I lived in Hawaii.

While being a working mom, particularly one in the church, is tough, I have stuck it out. I wake up super early (usually 5:00 or 5:30), shower, ensure everyone knows their plans for the day, pack my lunch and leave for work/school every morning between 7:00 and 8:00. On my lucky days, my mom, who watches Adaline during the day, will bring her to have lunch with me. But, that is hard on baby girl because she doesn't want to leave me after we eat. So, I spend those afternoons fighting back tears at my desk. I do my job and my school work, and every day at 4:00, I run to my car and ignore speed limits as I head home (sorry Jason, but it’s the truth. I define the kind of bad driver you hate… Love you!) When I pull into the driveway, I take off my jewelry in preparation for the assault of hugs, kisses, and squeals that await me on the other side of the front door. Embracing her is my favorite part of every afternoon. My second favorite part of every afternoon is hiding somewhere obvious and trying to convince a toddler to be quiet as we wait for Daddy to get home so we can scare him.

By the time we do dinner, bath, clean up clean up, and family time, and any other service activity for the night, it is time for my growing girl to go to bed. We say prayers, read a story, and I still rock her to sleep because that is the time I get with her. Moms that don’t work outside of the home don’t understand that need for extended contact. Sure, I could have let Adaline cry it out and learn to go to sleep on her own as an infant, but then I wouldn't have a reason to hold her for 15 minutes every night in the dark. I smell her hair. Feel her heart beat. Kiss her cheek. Tell her my hopes and dreams for her between singing songs. It is my special time with her, because I don’t get a lot of time with her.

Once she is asleep in her bed, it is time to do whatever hasn't been done – by now I have been up and going constantly for roughly 15 hours and all I really want is to go to bed. But, homework, daily planning, laundry, and other mom things still need to be done, and usually take about 2 hours. So I do them. I go to bed exhausted and wake up tired.

Some of you may think I am dramatizing or being unrealistic. I suggest you live in my pocket for one day. This post is only getting written because my boss has been out of town this week and I am on Spring Bread, so my work load has been considerably lighter than normal. Others may wonder why I would subject myself to all of this.  Please refer to those four points at the beginning of this post. I am not complaining, just trying to give a realistic picture.

I described my day in effort to help others understand what it means to feel that constant tug between work and home. It is emotionally exhausting to wonder every day if I should return to being home. I decide not to because I revisit those four reasons from above. We need the money. I am not a super stay at home mom. I want Jason to be around. And I had a confirmation to work.

In addition, I work, not because I have to, but because I need to. The difference is in the fine print. My need to work stems from my innate necessity to provide for myself and serve others. I have always been this way. I don’t like to be ‘paid for’ or ‘taken care of’. Rather, I prefer to take care of others. As a mother, I have extended my instinctual need to care for and provide to umbrella my offspring. It is animalistic really. Unfortunately, in today’s workforce, being an animalistic mother is not supported. You are expected to throw your child in daycare and accept that the four hours you get with them in the evening is all you can afford if you want a career. I read an article today about how the workforce is still completely unequal - Men are still paid more and still hold the majority of leadership roles, despite statistics showing colleges are turning out more female graduates than males. I think the fact that women have one foot at home and one foot at the office is a reason for this. It is instinctual to want to be with your children – not a conscious resignation to being subordinate human. I don’t consider myself a feminist – there are aspects of gender roles I absolutely adore (read: I don’t take out the trash or pick up dog poop on walks – Jason does), but when it comes to working, being a woman and mother blows. HARD. And it does so because of gender roles.

Many of the aspects of career development for professional women are limited. Essentially, one foot in the home is one out of the office, and employers typically don’t tolerate that. Good employers offer flexible schedules, telecommuting, or have in office child care. Unfortunately for me, I work for the state and get none of that. I mentioned that my co-workers and supervisors are great, and they are. I work with mostly women – and while many have children, none have more than two. Most are older than me and don’t understand why I would choose to have my children “so young”. Newsflash folks – I am creeping up on 29, which is practically 30. I am not “so young” to have children! But, if I want to continue this path of professional development, I am expected to step out of home more than out of my office. As much as I want equality for women in the workplace, I don’t know that my heart can handle the battle it will take to gain that equality. I am not willing to sacrifice my whole life for money, either. And that has nothing to do with gender. As I read this article, a woman who is a medical doctor with two children is quoted as saying, “Jobs demand too much. It would be good if you could take 15 percent of your time to devote to family life – but this is a fantasy, right? The sheer volume of menial work that a mother has, I mean, you’re just exhausted. And then, all of a sudden you wake up and you’re 46.  And the train has gone by. And when it went by, you were in the basement doing laundry.” 

First, I think trying to take only 15% of our time to devote to family, and not even getting that, is a severe sacrifice on the part of any parent – male or female. Second, when my train goes by, I plan to be in the sunshine, with my daughter and husband, not in the basement with laundry. How to make that happen and still have a career is hard, but not impossible.

Because - I am smart, capable, and humble, nothing is impossible. But most importantly, because I am a daughter of God, with a divine nature that is alive in me, I am capable of changing this world if I have the faith and courage to.

This has become my mantra as I wait patiently to start my own business. Which is my solution to the whole “work/family balance” thing. Entrepreneurship is my soul. Even as a young child I wanted to be my own boss. In a congeniality pageant response, when asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, my six year old seIf said, “I don’t know. But I want to be the boss and make lots of money.” I don’t know that I will make a lot of money, but I definitely care about what I am planning. As I have aged in education and wisdom, in addition to being whole heartedly supported by a man who sees no limits in what I can achieve, I have decided that in one year’s time, I will open my own birth and maternal health education business. I will spend the next year working on certifications, marketing, and strengthening connections throughout the community.

In addition, I will be taking that one foot out of the traditional office and planting both of my feet exactly where I want them – which happens to be in my own office, right next to my sweet baby girl and selfless husband, as I serve mothers and expecting mothers in the Tallahassee area.