Why I Left - My Exit From the Mormon Church

I’ve attempted many times to write this. Uncertain of how it will impact the hearts and minds of others. Actually worried, for a change, about what others will think of me. Trying hard to word my experiences in a way that won’t offend anyone. I’ve started and stopped. Copied and pasted parts and pieces of different written explanations into new documents, just to scrap it all after reading it roughly a hundred billion times… all the while, wishing I had something published. A banner to the world (re: my facebook friends list and anyone who chooses to follow my blog) about my experience and choice.

I decided to stop tip toeing. To just lay it out there with a preface that I love others. I love you even if you still follow the teachings of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I love you if you are critical of my choice.  I love you if you disagree with my belief in a deity all together. The simple fact is, if you have access to read this, it’s because I have loved you at some point. Being the non-fickle person I am, it’s likely I still love you.

I hope you will extend me the same courtesy. Because, believe it or not, you can love people and disagree with them.

Please believe I mean no ill intent, but I am also not going to bite my tongue. I go through phases of being highly critical of the church, and some of that may seep into this post. Honestly, I feel bamboozled, fooled, manipulated, and robbed by the church. I will explain all of that throughout, but the short if it is, I had doctrinal questions which led me to the conclusion that the church isn’t Christ’s one true church.  During this period of questioning, even before we concluded and chose to leave, we were treated very poorly by a portion of the members of the church, as well as local leadership. It was hurtful, hateful, and outright insulting. Again, I will explain throughout, but suffice it to say, I have every right to feel all the things I feel. Any attempts to shame me or otherwise argue or disrespect my sharing of this experience will not be tolerated.  I can love you, but I can also cut you out and off. I don’t want to do that, so respect that this is my forum. No one is forcing you to read this…

With all that, here we go.

I could, and can for anyone who wants to sit and chat with me about it, go into great detail about how my questions about life after death intensified when my dad died.  How being a knowledgeable member of the church led me to believe my dad, imperfectly perfect as he was, would be doomed to wander eternity alone because of his earthly imperfections; he was baptized as a member of the LDS church but was never temple worthy despite his striving to be so. For those reading who don’t know what “temple worth” means, we can talk about it, or you can find some LDS missionaries to answer your questions.

 I can describe m y heartache at learning that, despite being a “disavowed” earthly practice, polygamy is an eternal law of the gospel; that in the eternities I would be sharing Jason with many other “wives” whether I liked it or not. That in searching for WHY this is needed, I found shocking and sickening FACTS about the history of the church that disturbed me to my core.

And please, don’t get me started on how I was chastised for attempting to serve a sister who had just had a baby, then was denied service when I had a baby of my own in the name of “self-reliance.” And how this concept of self-reliance yields the complete and utter absence of Jesus as more than a mere buzzword in the church.  

You may already know about the sexism that exists. That woman at LDS colleges can be raped with no consequences for their rapist. That girls are told from the age of the three that “mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children.” That through the young women’s organization, girls age 12-18 are encouraged to fanaticize about little more than a handsome return missionary to marry them and complete their eternal destiny as a wife a mom. Don’t get me wrong, I love being a wife and mom. But it would have been nice to be encouraged to work more. To attain more education. To travel. Explore. Make a mark on the world that didn’t involve my husband or children. To know that God wanted me to do more than be a wife and mom. I want more for my kids that the bonds of gender roles.

Also, tithing. If there is one way to tell what an organization is all about, follow their money.

Details are maddening; when I’ve written this over and over, it gets long and complicated. Full of details that, If the reader is a believer, they shake their head and say, “that’s not right.” And if the reader is a non-believer, details are confusing because the legalistic nature of the church makes people wonder “what?” a lot.

I won’t argue someone’s “steadfast and immoveable” testimony. But, what I will say is this. I attended church, read, prayed, counseled, and shared what I thought I knew to be true in a constant effort to make the church true for nearly two years.  I wanted it to be true. Because honestly, having all the answers about life was easier. It was so nice to have a rulebook to live by that mapped out my responses to choices and opportunities. I wanted all of it to be true. Badly. But my desire and research left me wanting. And after all the research and hope, I came to one simple conclusion –

It’s not true. It’s made up. All based on the hopeful lies of a 14 year old boy. And no amount of hope or obedience can make it true.

If that statement hurts your heart, I apologize, but it is a truth I had to swallow. It has changed my life. Some parts are easier, some harder, but ALL of my life is better. I still believe in a loving God. In a Savior to reconcile my sins to Him. That there is good and bad in the world, and because of Jesus, we can tell the difference. I can tell you I am happier. More fulfilled. Closer to my husband, children, and family.

People who identify as LDS likely can’t read this without finding some faulty nature in my character. They will think I am trading true joy for momentary satisfaction. That this choice could not possibly bring me happiness. That my faith wasn’t strong enough. I wanted to sin. I was tempted. They need to tell themselves that; it’s part of the cult mentality. It has to be my fault that I left, because it couldn’t possibly be because the church isn’t true.

But again, I say, after my prayerful research, it’s not true.

Our exit has been easy compared to that of others. A little harassment, attempts at character assassination, and a little gossip… lot of lost acquaintances. Honestly, it feels like a small price to pay for the freedom and happiness we feel now. For the hope I have for my kids. For the brotherhood I feel with mankind. I am happier. Because we respect many people still in the church, we opted to remove our names from the roles.  

Again, I am willing to sit down with anyone who wants to talk about it. You can have water while I have coffee. It’s no big deal! We can still be friends.  I am ok with my choice, and I hope you can be, too.